Chrysalis, Day Four (Evening)

I believe that the feeling I had earlier taken for hope was in fact something akin to the calm before the storm. I am so, so sad because this place we are moving through is so strange and scary, and there is so much pain.

I wish I could peel back my layers of flesh and finger-like ribcage so that my heart, uncovered by mortal stuff, could be seen. How I have loved and continue to love. I have so much love still to give, and I know I can be great at giving it.

The great tragedy, of course, is that I cannot give it the way it is most desired, and how I wish this were different. If I could grant happiness to everyone I loved, I would, but I am aware of my limitations and my capacity, and after thirty-four years of this heart, I understand well how it works. It is far from perfect.

So I will say it, without fear. I love you. I will continue to love you.  I have told you with my very soul how my love for you evolves, and how it can be realized.  We are family, you are in my heart, and I truly, deeply hope that you can hear me.

dive for dreams

dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves, since Doom
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn, and (stooping
through the morning) kiss
this pillow, dear
where our heads lived and were.

silently if, out of not knowable

silently if, out of not knowable
night’s utmost nothing,wanders a little guess
(only which is this world)more my life does
not leap than with the mystery your smile
sings or if(spiralling as luminous
they climb oblivion)voices who are dreams,
less into heaven certainly earth swims
than each my deeper death becomes your kiss
losing through you what seemed myself,i find
selves unimaginably mine;beyond
sorrow’s own joys and hoping’s very fears
yours is the light by which my spirit’s born:
yours is the darkness of my soul’s return
-you are my sun,my moon,and all my stars

– e.e. cummings