Girl, Interrupted

It’s gray, and slushy, and snowy, and sleety, and I don’t have to leave this place today, so I’m feeling very grateful. I also feel exactly like the weather.

I woke this morning with a stuffy nose, and a sore throat, and a show in four days. So I find myself now staring out the wall of window over the city in a bit of a daze, wondering what the next few days will bring.

When you come from a family that is well-versed in the twelve step program, you grow very used to the phrase “one day at a time”.  If life has taught me anything, it is that you really have no way of predicting what might come at you from one day to the next. The best thing I can learn to do is try to really live in the present.

And so, today – this gray, sleety day – has started out sadly. Cleaning the apartment, and starting to tackle a mountain of laundry has helped. Knowing that I have to put on a game face for two of the girls from the troupe who are coming to rehearse and help with costumes is also pulling me onto my feet. Fantasizing about steak salad with crumbled blue cheese and grilled tomatoes for dinner is another step in the right direction.

I am lacking in a very certain kind of faith. In my heart, I believe that the universe will always look after me well, but I realize that I have very little faith in people. I wonder how one re-learns such a thing?

My therapist is brilliant, and in mid-January, she and I are starting 16 weeks of intensive work surrounding the topic of trust. I am so looking forward to this. I feel sometimes as though this was taken away from me, but that means giving certain people far more power than they ever really deserve.

If you are a regular Schnooville visitor, you will see that there are some entries missing here. They still exist, of course, but they are now private entries. There are some topics that I will not post about anymore, to protect the people that I love. Schnooville will continue to exist as it always has – a look inside my head and heart, and I suppose it will be from the perspective of me outside of any other personal relationships in my life.

My grade eight principal, who was a staunch, pasty, red-headed Irish woman who smelled like a dentist’s office used to say “Do what you feel is right in your heart, and let the chips fall as they may.” I used to think she was talking about potato chips. Once you’ve seen them ground into the carpet, you realize falling chips can be pretty fucking messy.

So, to those of you who have been such supportive readers, to those of you who have sent such heartfelt letters of thanks, know that now, more than ever, I feel inspired by you, grateful for you, and humbled by everything you’ve shared.

More coffee, some Neko Case, a load of laundry folded, and then the glue guns will get plugged in.

I’m not afraid. I’m a lion who lives surrounded by love, and my heart is as big as the sky.