I Loved You Like a Strip Mall

And this should never be confused with a really TALL building, or the earth, or the sky.

It was just a little taste, for now.

Still it was sweet, and that sweetness lingers. It has me scorning my schedule, deleting appointments, keeping my weekends open, and prying my own crazed little fingers off my life in general. Spontaneous decisions have yeilded brilliant results.

Yesterday morning a forecast of several days of rain would have made my heart heavy. Today I know how cute it will feel to wear my rubber Wellies with a pretty Spring skirt. How under the shelter of my vintage umbrella, I will stroll through the puddles listening to Wooden Arms by Patrick Watson on repeat until I’ve grown tired of that too. I know that the rain will help me sleep better, keep my apartment cooler, and keep me focused on work, and filled with ideas. The rain will match the colour of my eyes, and I will sail, unnoticed through the city as I ponder this last week.

What do we have without hope? I can take these lessons and understand myself better with each one. For example, I’m learning that I’m too ferocious, and though I know my heart will always be so, I can seek to internalize some of this emotion because I’ve come to believe it can be off-putting, or scary, or both. So many of us have no idea what we want, that when we are faced with someone who has a clear picture, perhaps they hold a mirror to our own confusion, which ripples like cellulite under overhead lighting. Also, if we are unsure of ourselves, an enthusiastic admirer casts self-doubt and suspicion. It’s very difficult for people to accept love, even in it’s earliest stages of curiosity and attraction.

I wondered what would happen if I stepped away from the helm, and when I did the ship veered off course very quickly. Without a good trade wind the route is frought with adversity.

The sea, they say, is a harsh mistress.

I could love as big as the sea, but I cannot do it alone.