Whatever process or events I may precipitate, I am never, ever left unscathed.
In fact, I wish I were a catalyst sometimes. I could waft through someone’s world like the scent of a fresh baked pie cooling on a window sill. The process or event would transpire, and I’d be the perfect temperature for enjoying with some hand-made vanilla bean ice cream come dinner time.
Catalyst, no. Harbinger…hmmm? I liked the Wiki definition, but these terms all seem so very grand. Here’s how I can best explain:
I’m a very loving, very giving person.
When I fall in love, or feel affectionate and romantically interested in a person, no matter what their insides might be composed of, it is because they have inspired me in some way. When people inspire me, I make it abundantly clear to them that they have so affected me. Sometimes this is as simple as being incredibly open to people and giving them total permission to share whatever they feel they need to, which can yeild amazing moments. Just beautiful really. This often takes the form of me becoming incredibly supportive of their work and their passions. I like these particular qualities, and I hope to never loose them.
The dark side of this, and something that is difficult for me to face, is the fact that I think I have looked lovingly at other artists, artists who I felt to be brilliant, in part because I did not feel myself to be significant enough as an artist. The idea here is that I bolster their dreams and aspirations, often neglecting my own, because I am more confident in their ability to succeed. I’m glad I’ve realized this. Very glad indeed. This theory can permeate many levels too – perhaps I’m too emotionally supportive to others, when I should be paying greater attention to my own emotional needs, physical needs, intellectual needs…
Next time, we will meet in the middle. I will still be incredibly loving and supportive, and the partner in my life will meet me half way.
I grew up Catholic. The very basic explanation of Chatechism is the tutorial of young children in the ways of Christ, i.e. learning how to become good Christians. Apply this to my adult life, and it looks more like “This is how to love in the world; nurture, support, trust, honour, love, seek adventure hand in hand, be gracious, seek beauty” which I try each day to demonstrate. I try to give the love I expect in return.
And the Chasm.
There are few people who can comfortably receive love. Very few indeed. The result is not pretty. It’s very imbalanced. There are also many people (and here is where I am guilty) who continue to try to give love to people who aren’t well-enough adjusted to recieve it and then give it back. It should be like a fairly slick game of ping pong. Sometimes you’ll whack it too hard and it will bounce right out of the game. Sometimes you’ll just miss it because you got distracted, or confused, or you weren’t “on it”. Mostly, it should be like Bruce Lee.
Don’t be afraid of my nunchucks. I’ve decided not to even bring them out unless I feel like you are able to give good game. Because it’s not a game, is it? It should be as fun, and as rewarding, and as challenging, and humbling, and exciting, and demanding of serious skills. But it’s definitely not a game.
I’m imposing a time out until I can guarantee that the team will at least make it to the playoffs this season. That’s better than the league going on strike, isn’t it?
Stay tuned for updates. There may be a draft coming up…Guacamole can make you crazy if not properly refrigerated.
Who can name the Saint pictured above?